January 25th, 2011


Today was a Good Day :-)

So as many of you know I have health issues, specifically IBS, migraines, and the now not specifically diagnosed yet Chronic Pain Condition.  What I have been fighting to convince doctors I don't have though is depression.  I understand the logic, if you are always in pain you must eventually become depressed, it kind of makes sense that something very unpleasant for a long period of time would do that to someone.

The mental health question has been a long standing one and because I am also way to open for my own good I will share it now.  The first mental health appointment I had was before the IBS was diagnosed, the non-GP, non-GI doctor just thought I was depressed and that was why my stomach was misbehaving.  So I went to the psychiatrist and after a 30 minute conversation he says, no you are not depressed that is not causing your problem. 

Then the migraines hit and I was on a continually changing list of medications, primarily things that change how the brain work, either anti-seizure, anti-depressant, or anti-anxiety, and all of them either caused an allergic reaction or a severe mental side-effect.  If I wasn't nearly comatose on the medication I was in a state of paranoia like I didn't even know was possible.  We kept asking the doctors how long it would last before the side effects would decrease but they would just change the medication again.  Eventually we started running out of medications and it had been a year so my GP and neurologist told me to see the psychiatrist while I was on an anti-anxiety because the side effects were so bad Kevin was afraid to leave me alone for even a minute (I wouldn't sleep for days at a time) and of course, I had hit that magic number in their minds where I must be depressed because you have to be depressed if you have been in pain for a year.  So I went and I already have issues with psychiatrists because one of them really messed up my mother's medications and she now has a permanent facial tick that I don't know how she manages to deal with in public (and people think I cope well with my disabilities, I am amazed by my mother's abilities and she does suffer with depression).  I must have looked completely mental while there, I couldn't stop moving, I couldn't answer questions, and I kept looking at the doctor and then out the window, at the doctor and then out the window, but wouldn't look at either one for more than a few seconds, I was a complete mess by that point.  This genius wanted to add to my medications to counter the negative effects of the first one.  Kevin said no at this point because he knew if I had been able I would have said no. 

Then we had pain management group on more medications and I don't remember most of it because I was always out of it and could barely walk.  All I know if that I was the only one in the group not waiting to die.

So now we are nearly two years in and the "you must be depressed" slogan has come up again but I have not been on medications for a while (even the one that was like taking 3 doses of a normal pain reliever at once, I just wouldn't take anything) and so I am still slow and have problems with following conversations, tv shows, can barely read (typing takes a while), and I have daily pain in all kinds of places; I am happy, I am not jumping in the car anymore when someone passes us on the freeway, I am not seeing things, I am not hearing things, I may sleep too much or not enough but that is more a function of how much pain I am in at the time, not because I can't.  Anyway, we saw the psychiatrist again today (a different one thank goodness) and he said that while on paper because of the slowness of thought and the sleep issues I look mildly depressed, in person he cannot find anything about me that indicates depressed and he thinks all of the issues are because of the medical issues and not mental issues and he wouldn't classify me with any kind of mental health problem.  I could have hugged him if I didn't think it would be incredibly inappropriate.

So now my overly chipper self is going to attempt to look at the guide again for the Sims 3 on the Wii and see if I can figure this job thing finally because I was still lost after trying to figure it out most of yesterday afternoon and evening.  I think lack of concentration and lack of being able to communicate sometimes with Kevin is the only thing that really frustrates me because I have always been good at concentrating in the past and I have always been told I was a good communicator.