My hands hurt so if this post reads kind of odd it is because I wrote it over several days because I can't type for that long before the pain gets too high. This is kind of meant as a follow-up to my Sometimes I Wear Makeup post that I wrote over a year ago about how I use makeup to help make myself feel better.

So as those of you who have been reading my blogs for, really not very long know, I have a nervous system disorder (as yet to be diagnosed) that causes pain randomly throughout my body and migraines daily and this has been going on for over three years now and late in 2010 I had decided to try and wear makeup to help myself feel better about how I look. At the time and even for all of 2011 and the beginning of 2012, I lived in sweatpants and tee shirts or sweatshirts because what is the point of dressing up when you are going out if you are in pain and the only places you get to go are the grocery store (we don't even go to the mall that much because the noise level in there is so high that it will bring on a migraine really quickly). And while I used to have a ton of makeup before I met Kevin and even for a while after we started dating, I never wore it because I didn't really know how to put it on, the eyeshade always creased really badly and I really only the bought the makeup because I thought it looked pretty (I have a lot of stationary that will probably never be used for the exact same reason so this is a running theme in my life). By the time the migraines started all I had left were several Victoria Secret Beauty Rush lip glosses which are really sticky so I didn't wear them much because my hair always stuck to them, one tan Beauty Rush eyeshadow, and various chap sticks, mostly in clear colors which is generally all I wore because my lips chap really quickly.

In 2010 at Christmas time we went to Wal-Mart and were looking around in the cheap gift section because that is one of the places I find my cute pencils for a $1 and I saw makeup kits and I just about fell out of my wheelchair trying to grab them because pretty colors all over the place, but we didn't get any. But right after Christmas, when I was feeling even worse than normal, Kevin went out and got a makeup kit for me at half off so I think it ended up being $5 and I thought it was huge for the cost of it. It is from The Color Workshop and has 15 lip glosses, 15 eyeshadows, four brushes and four lipsticks, which I didn't think I would actually use but now I do. I don't use the brushes that came in the set because I still had my Victoria Secret brushes that worked better even though they aren't the best brushes and are several years old. I started out primarily just using the lip gloss which is why that part of the kit is the most worn down, because when I did the eyeshadow it would develop that crease line that just looks bad so if I did wear them it was only for a few minutes and just to see what I thought of the color. By the time I wrote my post last year I had started wearing the eyeshadow more, but still not consistently because of the creasing problem and always washed it off if we were actually leaving the house.

Kevin then found three more The Color Workshop kits, one nothing but eyeshadows of all different colors and huge, one is actually in a case that has eyeliner and mascara as well as a few nail polishes and something that looks like a bronzer but I'm not sure and a lipliner as well as the lip glosses and eyeshadows, and a pair that are the iPod inspired design that once I get to them will probably get carried around in a tiny purse because they are travel size, one with all lip glosses and one with all eyeshadows. Then he found a kit that doesn't have a name on it so I am not sure who it is by, but it has a lot of eyeshadow, lip glosses and some blush in it although none of those kits have been used yet. In fact, anything mentioned that isn't the very first kit and two Beauty Rush lip glosses that I mention, have not been used since I started this and that first kit still has a ton of makeup in it so I am hoping to completely use it up before the end of the year but it may still be going in 2013. I have seen some people complain about how small the amounts are of the different makeups in the kits, but they must be using a ton at once because the colors show up fine on me using very little and I am wondering how long it is going to take to go through all of this.

At some point last year I mentioned the makeup thing to my mom and she send what she said was cheap makeup, but when I got it, all of it was actually really good makeup at least in comparison to what I had been getting and included some Revlon and Physicians Formula and she got lots of fun colors that I wouldn't normally wear, but now I am really looking forward to seeing what I can do with them when I get around to them. So those all went in a pretty box she had sent me before that had my "not currently in use Beauty Rush lip glosses" and I will get to them eventually.

I had started using two of the Beauty Rush lip glosses because once we had to buzz all of my hair off I was like, well, it isn't going to stick to the gloss anymore so I might as well use it and that I was more willing to wear out of the house because it is pretty clear and I could bring it with me and if it wore off it didn't look funny like lipstick does. But at some point last year someone referred to me as "Sir", probably because of the hair and the clothing and I didn't really remember to wear the lip gloss most of the time and that really bothered me a lot more than it probably should have and Kevin keeps telling me I still look like a girl, but that one time really stuck with me so I wanted to try and look more girly so no one would make that mistake. But I kept forgetting to wear makeup and with fall and winter I was bundled up so you couldn't really tell and I still can't get my hair past 1/2 an inch or I start crying in the shower from pain when just water touches it and I can't sleep with my head on a pillow from that making the hair move and causing pain so yeah, the scalp pain is pretty severe and is probably the thing that most influences how I feel about how I look.

Then at the beginning of this year when my mom was visiting we ended up getting me some pro-level makeup from a company you may have never had heard of because according to Kevin they started out as makeup for television and movies and this is back when tv was all still black and white and it isn't one I had ever heard of before. If you go to their site you will see they have a lot of really pretty makeup colors and it is called Merle Norman, but it is more expensive that what I would normally feel comfortable getting because well, I'm only really going to use it if we are going somewhere nice or when I am finally well and get to do my red dress on the beach dancing with Kevin thing, but my mom helped pay for it and I got a makeup kit with a lipstick, four eyeshadows, a blush, eyeliner, and mascara, and then Kevin bought some nail polish which is actually OPI and my mom paid for three brushes to replace the most used one from the Victoria Secret set because I found that when I tried to use the eyeshadow those would spray the shade all over the eye area and around it and that just doesn't work well when you are trying to make the makeup look nice.

So I renewed my effort to use the makeup more often so I would feel like it was okay to have this really nice makeup, but I still kept forgetting it was even there because of where it was stored which is on the bottom shelf of my bedside table which I almost never see. I did move the kit I have been using irregularly to the sofa I sit on every day thinking that would remind me to use it, but it didn't. Then someone at the grocery store referred to me as a "Sir" and I started crying when we got to the car and Kevin had his work cut out for him trying to make me feel better after that.

So I then dug out my two makeup books by Kevyn Aucoin, may he rest in peace. I have had them forever (Making Faces and Face Forward), and I love his attitude towards makeup and he makes it feel so accessible, and while I can only actually read like a paragraph a day, I use the pictures a lot to try and help me figure out what to do. I actually kind of feel, knowing that he also suffered from a lot of pain caused by a long time undiagnosed illness that in a way the books mean more to me because of where he was coming from, and now I am crying again, but it is okay because it is a good cry. But the eyeshadow was still creasing a lot and that is when I found videos on youtube talking about ways to make the stuff stay where you intended it to go and Kevin most recently bought me foundation and a finishing kit with pressed powered and the finishing powder you use to make your makeup stay put and a brand new full brush kit that is really nice and covers everything I need to do pretty much anything I am likely to do.

I don't have concealer or any primers, but I am not too worried about those since my eyeshadow finally stays put and now, almost a year and a half after I started trying to wear makeup to help me feel better about how I look I finally do wear makeup almost every day now and that inspired me to try and dress more girly so I have basically packed away all of the tee-shirts and tried to make it so that no matter what gets pulled out of my closet, no one will mistake me for being a guy.

I do now also try to watch a YouTube video or two a day about different ways to apply makeup and taking care of my stuff so that I keep getting more and more inspired. I don't think I will ever do some of the things I saw because the other day I watched one that involved six different shades on the eye and that didn't even include the liner or mascara and in the end it just look like she had one color across the whole eye so I was kind of like "what is the paint of all of those steps" so right now the most I do is three colors and normally it is only two and a liner. I haven't used any of the mascara I have yet because my aunt once got some in her eye after it melted while she was wearing it and she had to have a patch over her eye for like a month it had done so much damage and I am kind of scared of that; also, my eyelashes are pretty dark and full naturally and so with a eyelash curler they almost look like they have mascara on them even though they don't.

Oh, I almost forgot, the eyelash curler I got came from a completely different kit that we got recently solely because it was the only eyelash curler in the whole store and the kit was $15 after the 45% discount and it had a ton of really pretty pink everything, although oddly no mascara, but a good eyelash curler by itself can cost as much as that (and I have seen some for more online) so I convinced Kevin to get the kit and then proceed to squee the whole way home starring at the package because all of the colors are so pretty.

Funny thing about all of the eyeshadow I use, Kevin is the only one who actually sees it that isn't me because when I leave the house, even if I am indoors, I have to wear sunglasses because I am now so light sensitive that even regular house lighting is too bright and so we keep it pretty dim in here, which has encouraged me to use the more obvious lip colors when we go out and the blushes to help make sure people know I am not a guy. I also now wear big earrings almost daily with two smaller ones in the other two holes because I have three holes in each ear for earrings so even from the back you should be able to tell I am a girl. I now wear nail polish on my fingers as well instead of just my toes since I have finally figured out how to make it last a week (my mom sent three polishes as well) and the stuff on the toes can last a month, and I like having that because while I can feel the face makeup, I can't see it without a mirror so I spend a lot of time looking at my nails and using the polish on those to help make me feel pretty, although now I do spend a lot of time sitting in from off the mirror just looking at my face and thinking about other things to try with the makeup.